My FaB 21st...

I never thought or wanted my 21st birthday to be such a big deal. Although I do admit that when I was younger and watched friends older than me celebrating theirs with great parties, I wished I had one like that. But when it came to my turn...the feeling was gone. In fact, I didnt want anything out of it. All I want was a simple dinner with my family members and mayb later celebrate in a small scale with my friends.

But...I had the best birthday ever. It was way beyond what I expected.
To start, I had 3 birthday cakes. First was with my church youth friends...which was super fun as I celebrated with all the other October and November babies...

Then the highlight of my day, the dinner I had with my family. I called both my grandpas and my mum's siblings (all my aunts and uncles coz we usually hav dinner together on saturdays anyway). As most of you know, my grandpa (mum's dad) recovered from cancer not to long ago and has been having chronic back pain...was willing to stay awake (he usually sleeps by 6pm everyday), wear his best suit (he hardly dresses up, even when we go out for meals..he still wears his pyjamas) which he made my aunt prepare way before earlier in the day and join me and the rest of my family for dinner. Everyone, not only myself was so shocked and amazed with the effort he put in just to celebrate my 21st with me. My grandpa was never an affectionate person...but to see him making such an effort is so very rare although it may seem little.

What more can I ask for?? It definitely beats any birthday present or party I can ever throw. It was such a valuable moment which I hope I shall never ever forget or take for granted.

Furthermore, I had a bonus!! A 3rd celebration in Seremban!! My housemates and friends (Christabel, Iona, Baxter, Bee Yan, Johan and Nisha) surprised me with a beautiful jelly-like cake. Total of 3 celebrations on my 21st bday...what can beat that??

God never fail to amaze me as I grow and reach different phases of my life. Blessings that He gives are never limited but more than we can ever expect or imagine. What more can I ask for??

FaMiLY MeD

I've reached the 7th week of my family medicine posting which marks the end of this posting... Things seem to be moving really fast coz its feels like yesterday I was struggling with 1st phase exams wondering will I ever reach clinical school in Seremban. And...here I am...completing my 1st posting with exam coming up the week after Raya....

I've learnt a lot and seen a lot...Being grilled by the doctor each teaching session...
"What's your differential diagnosis for a patient with backache??"
"What are the medications for a patient with HPT??"
"What murmur is this??"
Looking at nurses dressing up diabetic wounds that are holes, so deep that u can see the flesh and even bone...clearing up the necrotic tissue by doing sloughing which is soo painful u wanna scream for the patient just by watching but guess wat?? Patient doesn't even feel a thing!! Coa they've loss the pain sensation due to diabetes. Performing ECGs and vision tests multiple times at the clinic till u get bored of it. Taking blood from pregnant mums (my patient complained it was painful to the other mothers and later on no one allowed us to do on them...SOBs) But at least I had one try =)
Begging patients to allow us to take their history or use them as our patients for learning...
Having to work on my cantonese and mandarin....so I can communicate with the patients better
Going to "Curry Leaf" or "RM3.50" shop for lunch...

Clinical school's definitely way more interesting than phase I but...of course, its tougher and more challenging in many ways. Learning to apply my knowledge clinically is still a challenge for me and I'm sure for everyone...but I'm glad that I'm growing to like this field more and more...
Exam's coming..Got assignments and reports to finish!! Arrgh!!

New Week...New Challenges...

Time really flies...It's now week 5 of clinicals and each day I learn something totally new. Tomorrow onwards I'm posted to the maternal and child health clinic where we're exposed to pregnant mums and babies. Get to see how check-ups are done for soon-to-be mums and tiny cute toddlers coming for follow-ups too. Going to be another cool and interesting week. Hope my growing interest will last and not die off...Haha!! Especially with exams around the corner.

On the other hand, I feel like I'm kinda struggling inside about an issue which I never thought I would have to struggle with, ever. Grown-ups and role models whom I look up to for years, people I thought I would like to be someday...just failed to be the people I thought they were. I mean even the place I hold close to my heart most of my life...one of the very few places that would never fail to make me feel safe...now, it takes effort for me to even wanna move my butt to go. I'm so confused with differentiating what's right and wrong now. The clarity I used to have seemed to be gone. I really hope that this wouldn't affect me spiritually coz so far it hasn't really.

How do you trust people again after they have failed you in some way?? Furthermore they may not even realise it or they're too caught up with they're own agenda. Do time really heal broken trust?? Now, to me, the only people I can trust are God and my family...**full stop** Isn't that sad?? I mean friendships cant be built or formed without trust. And I'm starting to give up on trusting most people around me. Will it continue?? Will I be able to get back my safe place?? Or do I have to look for a new safe place??

Home Is Where The Heart Is...

Today, my family had a thanksgiving dinner to celebrate my grandpa although yea...it was a Chinese one but so wat??Its thanksgiving!! His stomach CA was totally cleared by surgery...doc confirmed that it was only at the surface and although we delayed it for 2 months, my grandpa's already fully healed from surgery in less than a week. Amazing!! Praise God!! Never failed to answer my prayers...

Its already been a month since I moved in to my Seremban house. It the 1st time in my entire life I moved out from home although yea...I still go home and get to see my family on weekends. Ever since I've been in Seremban, home back in KL is such a treasure to me. When Thursday arrives...my heart wants to fly home as soon as possible. But once I'm home on Friday, Sunday appears in an instant flash and I have to drag my 2 feet back to Seremban.

In Seremban, I'm totally on my own. Although yes, I have housemates but...the warmth of my home...the security..."comfyness" of being in my familiar surrounding...just the presence of my family members whom I'm so used to having around is missing!! These were the things I took for granted before, but now...its something I treasure and look forward to a lot. I thought I was prepared. And physically I was!! My mum made sure I had everything. But like we always say... in life we can't have everything and I'm still lucky coz I still get to see my family each week unlike people overseas studying. But, its trully been a challenge for me.

I'm still learning to be strong on my own...to take care of myself both physically and mentally. So far I'm making progress, but its just so hard to push myself to go back to Seremban after returning home on weekends. It's a new week tomorrow...looking forward for Friday to come!!

First Week In Health Clinic....

Another week in the tiny town of Seremban has passed...and my weekend back home is also ending....**SOBS**New week's coming ahead..

Lifestyle here isnt much different than KL, just that its strange coz I'm living on my own... But I'm getting the hang of things although I've locked myself out of my room once and lost my car key...my mum had to drive up to send me the spare.

First weeek at the health clinic...very interesting...I've learnt a lot especially when attached to the IMU doc's teaching room...we look for patients at the out patient department and bring them to the IMU consultation room. Then we'll take history from the patient either on our own or in front of the doc. Later we'll also do physical examination on them under supervision by the doc. Doc will teach along the way and finally treat the patient like any other clinic consultation. So, its totally hands on teaching dealing with real patients.

Family Medicine docs are really nice and helpful in explaining stuff and teaching us how to take a good history for various common illnesses. Although we're grilled in everyway by loads of questions....it keeps us on our toes and not fall asleep halfway. I now have to read up on all the stuff I saw in the clinic...

Clinical phase is really interesting especially when it comes to learning...and there's someone to explain it all to you. The hard part is constantly being assesed even if we don't realised that we are. And each time the doc puts a higher expectation on us.

Things are definitely way more interesting at clinics..although socially, mine's still super dull unless I go out with my good friend whose my housemate. But in the end....its just soooo good to be back home....=P

First Week In Health Clinic....

Another week in the tiny town of Seremban has passed...and my weekend back home is also ending....**SOBS**New week's coming ahead..

Lifestyle here isnt much different than KL, just that its strange coz I'm living on my own... But I'm getting the hang of things although I've locked myself out of my room once and lost my car key...my mum had to drive up to send me the spare.

First weeek at the health clinic...very interesting...I've learnt a lot especially when attached to the IMU doc's teaching room...we look for patients at the out patient department and bring them to the IMU consultation room. Then we'll take history from the patient either on our own or in front of the doc. Later we'll also do physical examination on them under supervision by the doc. Doc will teach along the way and finally treat the patient like any other clinic consultation. So, its totally hands on teaching dealing with real patients.

Family Medicine docs are really nice and helpful in explaining stuff and teaching us how to take a good history for various common illnesses. Although we're grilled in everyway by loads of questions....it keeps us on our toes and not fall asleep halfway. I now have to read up on all the stuff I saw in the clinic...

Clinical phase is really interesting especially when it comes to learning...and there's someone to explain it all to you. The hard part is constantly being assesed even if we don't realised that we are. And each time the doc puts a higher expectation on us.

Things are definitely way more interesting at clinics..although socially, mine's still super dull unless I go out with my good friend whose my housemate. But in the end....its just soooo good to be back home....=P

Rollercoaster???

This week was a roller coaster ride. It was filled with highs and lows.
Although I'm feeling tired at home right now, it just feels so nice and safe to be home.

I've learnt a lot this week, both in the sense of my studies and life itself. I'm glad that I've learnt a lot about my current posting in family medicine although it was just through lectures which got pretty boring at times.

Grandpa's operation went well and so its such a relief. Everyone's relieved too although to them the worst is yet to come. Although he's still drowsy and would only b expected to recover in a week's time, the complications we were all worried about didnt present itself. So I thank God and everyone for their well wishes and concern and prayers.

I got hurt and upset by an incident this week involving friendship which I wanna move on from therefore I dont wanna put in any details about it. All I can say is that, the incident like my dad said was a learning experience for me although it involves hurt. I dun wanna run away just like that but I wanna pick myself up and move head on with my ambition. That would be my main priority in my new life away from home and not anything else.

At the end of the day, I liked what my lecturer told me. Every night at the end of the day, we should be thankful, pray, reflect, make a point to change according to the lessons we've learnt from the day. Rollercoasters make life interesting and life never has smooth sailing paths to follow. Nevertheless I shall not fear nor give up coz I have God, my Heavenly Father and also my family.

Good News...

After all the on going discussions, finally a decision was made to send my grandpa to do the EUS (electroultrasonography) and thank God the cancer is still at its initial stage although it has sort of moved a little.

And now, the talk among my aunts and uncles are chaging. There's a strong indication now that they to have become in favour of a surgery being done for my grandpa. Finally!! What a relief!!
Although nothing has been confirmed yet, this change is a good sign. There's a chance!!
So talks now would focus on surgery cost and aftercare for my grandpa. Praise God!!

Life in C206 Seremban...

During Phase I of med school I always dreamed of quickly passing sem 5 and moving on to clinical phase. After overcoming challenge after challenge in Phase I, I thought no challenge can scare me anymore since sem 5 was already so hard.
But lo, and behold!! Welcome to Clinical School life in Seremban!! Great!! New place...new environment...sounds so cool and exciting!!

Well, after a week's orientation...the hype of it all has been washed away like a huge tsunami drowning all excitement and turning it to fear.
One simple mistake made by any student especially matters regarding punctuality, dress code and attendance are made known to the entire faculty of the school including the librarian.
School hours now equal working hours unlike previously where lecs were only 2 hours a day.
Everything involves independence where any form of guidance is limited to the very minimum.
Being a freshie there is no fun at all. Lots of tasks to prepare for.
The worst part is the fear of our teachers, the doctors. Having to make sure we give a good impression to the very detail of the way we dress from the very 1st day is how strict things are there. Most of there are pretty cold although seniors mentioned that most of the doctors are pretty nice.

Having a months break I've forgotten a whole bulk of stuff especially my clinical skills. That isnt helping at all and next week the torture begins. Talk about having no life in phase I...Look at Phase II!! Everyone's so busy there that there's no societies or clubs in the uni at all. The work load from sem6 itself is so heavy, imagine progressing to the next semesters with increasing difficulty levels.

Positively, learning will definitely become way more interesting as we will be able to see the real stuff instead of plastic models and pictures in books. A chance to get to know my shrunken batch much better is something I look forward to. Plus, got yummy food in Seremban...my favourite Hakka mee, beef noodles and siew pau....life isnt that miserable la. Just challenging and scary!!

But being tested and pushed out of my comfort zone has been a challenge I've been looking for and I believe this is what God is putting me through to mould me to be both a better person and doctor. So, just take every challenge one at a time....and be prepared lo!!=p

Life in C206 Seremban...

During Phase I of med school I always dreamed of quickly passing sem 5 and moving on to clinical phase. After overcoming challenge after challenge in Phase I, I thought no challenge can scare me anymore since sem 5 was already so hard.
But lo, and behold!! Welcome to Clinical School life in Seremban!! Great!! New place...new environment...sounds so cool and exciting!!

Well, after a week's orientation...the hype of it all has been washed away like a huge tsunami drowning all excitement and turning it to fear.
One simple mistake made by any student especially matters regarding punctuality, dress code and attendance are made known to the entire faculty of the school including the librarian.
School hours now equal working hours unlike previously where lecs were only 2 hours a day.
Everything involves independence where any form of guidance is limited to the very minimum.
Being a freshie there is no fun at all. Lots of tasks to prepare for.
The worst part is the fear of our teachers, the doctors. Having to make sure we give a good impression to the very detail of the way we dress from the very 1st day is how strict things are there. Most of there are pretty cold although seniors mentioned that most of the doctors are pretty nice.

Having a months break I've forgotten a whole bulk of stuff especially my clinical skills. That isnt helping at all and next week the torture begins. Talk about having no life in phase I...Look at Phase II!! Everyone's so busy there that there's no societies or clubs in the uni at all. The work load from sem6 itself is so heavy, imagine progressing to the next semesters with increasing difficulty levels.

Positively, learning will definitely become way more interesting as we will be able to see the real stuff instead of plastic models and pictures in books. A chance to get to know my shrunken batch much better is something I look forward to. Plus, got yummy food in Seremban...my favourite Hakka mee, beef noodles and siew pau....life isnt that miserable la. Just challenging and scary!!

But being tested and pushed out of my comfort zone has been a challenge I've been looking for and I believe this is what God is putting me through to mould me to be both a better person and doctor. So, just take every challenge one at a time....and be prepared lo!!=p

LEttiNG Go...=(

These thoughts keep popping up in my head...is my grandpa's fate sealed that way?? That he shall not find out bout his condition and hopefully live his life to the fullest with our help?? Is that how things should be??
My mum says that I should learn to let things I care a lot about go...coz I hold it too tight sometimes. Can I let him go when it comes?? How do I see him week after week and pretend like there isnt anything really wrong with him when his health deteriorates?? What do I say to him when he asks me why isnt he getting better??
Do we as the family members really have the right to decide for our loved one's life?? They're sending him for EUS (electro-ultrasonography) next week to do some further checking but looking at things....I dun seem to see a point in doing it.
Why bother investigating when ur not doing anything?? Do we really have such right??
I dun think I can accept what its being done and when the time comes for him to go...I dunno if I can let my grandpa go...But...for now, I'm just numb with everything despite the questions running through my mind.
**Its not like neither me nor my mum have any choice anyway**

A THoRN STicKinG into My HeaRT...

I just can't seem to accept this. The family has decided by majority that no surgery should be done for my grandpa and therefore he wont know his condition.
I've learnt that the cancer is at its initial stage and based on advises we've accumulated, a surgery would probably give him a better quality and there's a high chance for recovery.
But, after a family discussion...majority would not want a surgery to be done. Reason being that according to them, surgery isnt everything and that the aftercare would be hard on my grandpa and my aunties. My grandpa may not recover from the surgery or even his constant pain as he's already so weak.

Is it our choice to make?? It involves my grandpa's life!! Shouldn't he be given a say in all of this?? There's a chance that with surgery, they can remove the cancer and the pain his suffering should go away. I know that even if we tell him, we will not mention that he has cancer but that there's just something in his tummy which needs to be removed surgically.
There's still HOPE!! What are the odds that someone knows that he has cancer at an early stage?? Most ppl find out when its at an end stage. Shouldn't we be grasping this opportunity?? Isnt this a more logical decision rather than not doing anything and claiming that it would give my grandpa a better quality of life???

Its not like he's any better right now...I mean if we dun do anything his health is garaunteed to go downhill...Isnt that like putting a death sentence on someone??? I'm not puzzled...I'm not confused...I know clearly what both parties are considering.

But at the end of the day, what I'm trully feeling inside is sadness for my grandpa. If the decision made stays, I really dunno how I'll be able to accept everything or even face him. I'm scared of whats to come with his health. I cant imagine a better quality of life the rest of the family promised by doing nothing. How do move from there?? Is this decision really that logical??

BouNTiFuL BLeSSiNGs...

I shall testify in this post that God indeed doesn't just bless us with what we want or need but He blesses us with more than we ask or need. I shall never ever doubt Him no matter what coz He does answer prayers!!

3 months ago I was at a depressing point in my life...everything seemed to fall apart one by one. I got burnt out with serving in church, stressed out for final exam of phase I, found out grandpa had cancer...I felt just sooo very tired bout everything. It was so bad that I wanted to give up even before sitting for my exams. I thought things could never get better coz everything started to overwhelm me in everyway...physically, mentally and spiritually. All I did then was ask God, "Please show me Your lighted path laid for me to follow...show me a way out or a light through all these darkeness. Grant me the assurance that things will get better and not worse anymore."

And well...3 months have gone now...so very quickly and I still cant believe how fast time whoooshes pass...I'm graduating from 1st phase of med school this Sat. I had the time of my life with my friends with trips to Genting, Penang and the best...Redang Island!! Plus a chance to hang out with all my dear friends during this 1 month break.

Then my grandpa...although it was a scary time for my mum and her siblings, his hypoglycemic episode which actually made him comatosed somehow caused him to give up the sleeping tablets which we were all so concerned about coz he was addicted to it. Finally!! And after 2nd opinion with one of the top docs...surgery has a good prognosis and recovery should go well coz his cancer's at an early stage. There is Hope!! They were all blessings in disguise..although it hasnt been totally resolved yet. BUT...we have Hope!!

With all these blessings poured upon me and my family...how can I not start to heal spiritually?? I mean God is so Awesome!! So what if I was burnt out??He has blessed me with a great rest... helped me pass my toughest exam ever and gave my family and I hope that my grandpa can recover.

I now feel like the luckiest person ever...I just hope that now, I will have the strength and refreshed mind to face new challenges ahead at Seremban clinical school. All glory and praise goes to You...God Almighty!!

THe BeGGiNinG To An EnD...

Haaaaah....!!! Such a relief....I passed Sem 5!! I actually did complete Phase I of Med School... All that I've achieved...is a blessing from God. Every step of the way, from struggling through pre-u till entering med school and finally surviving phase I, God guided me through and all the successes I've had I could never have done without Him.

Despite dreading last month bout how things were going, God has started to answer my prayers. I do realise that not everything will go my way, but I do see Him turning things for the better.

My grandpa's case on a medical point of view is trully great news as his condition is only at an early stage so rightfully it should have good prognosis with surgery. But of course, everyone's still hesitant coz it would cause him to loose his quality of life. There are some other tiny options floating around but nothing is confirmed yet to be trully effective. I think the toughest part isn't on me but on my aunts and uncles coz they hav to deal with all his "rollercoaster" emotions. His tantrums....his joy...his frustrations and depression. Not an easy person to handle. Of course, in addition to all that...there's still many more stuff to consider like his kidney condition...so we're hoping for the best la and trying to make him as comfy as possible at the moment.

Thanks for all the concern and prayers...I trully appreciate it!!

Now, I have clinical school to look forward to and its gonna be a whole new world for me... So, Hope For The Best!!

Do BaD THiNGs ReaLLY HaPPeN iN THReeS??

I think this month has been one of the toughest months I've had for quite some time...
I suppose it came unexpectedly coz I was caught off-guard having life laid out so easy for me all along..I'm not complaining about life being easy...in fact, I'm thankful to God for such blessings.

First my grandpa (my dad's father who lives with me) fell sick with pneumonia and he somehow got depressed. He didn't want to eat properly...all he ate was bread and porridge which worried my parents and I. He was tired a lot and didn't really want to move from his chair. He was very negative and trying to talk him out of depression and encourage him took a lot of effort for all of us at home. I was getting tired of it...but thank God, he soon recovered bit by bit and soon he was himself again. All of us were so thrilled.

Then came the definiting factor for my first phase in med school. Passing EOS 5. I was behind time and had to resort to burning midnight oil for the past 2-3 weeks. When the time came to sit for the exam, I lost my confidence. At least I thought I did. I think I did badly and all I can do now is pray and hope for a PASS!! Which I'm in soooo desperate need of....

Finally, just after exam...I heard a confirmation about my other grandpa's (my mum's father) conditon. He was at 1st diagnosed with peptic ulcer, but the biopsy results came out positive for infiltrative moderately differentiated adenocarcinoma of the stomach at a few areas. Why?? Why is it happening??Isnt it enough that he already gone through a previous history of oral cancer??
The worst thing is that the surgery would be a high risk one coz my grandpa's kidney is on the verge to renal failure. And so, my aunts and uncle decided to not opt for any surgery but allow my grandpa to live the rest of his days to the fullest. When the magnitude of what was happening hit me...I could feel my heart melt. I just can't imagine how things in the future be like.

This is the one time in my life I just wish the future wouldn't come...at the very least not so soon. Will things get better? I hope it does.

I know that all I can do is pray and trust that God will bring me and the rest my family through the saddest and most difficult period ahead...I know that God will help...and so I pray and hope that He will grant us all strength, wisdom and most of all love as we move onwards.

PRe-EOS 5 STReSS

Exam....Exam...Exam....One after the other...and when you hear this word...the next word you would immediately come up with is Stress...Stress...Stress...
Its Pre-End of Semester Exam Season....The nightmare of all nightmares in Phase I of Med School...The expectations of excelling or even the HOPE to PASS is simply unbearable!!
Can't believe time's slipping off my fingers in such a fast manner...so fast that...its a struggle to figure a way to finish studying. How??
I think everyone in Sem 5 would like to know the solution to this. Truth is...we can only do the best we can. CNS test was bad enough. Just hope finals won't be like that. Or else...I'm just sooo....dead!!
Arrrggghhh!!!!!

BuRNT OuT???

Being burnt out...or feeling so tired about everything going on around you. So much that all you wanna do is just shut yourself out from everything and lock yourself in a room alone. NOT talking about studies.

I never thought that this would happen to me. NEVER!! How can someone feel burnt out doing the things he or she loves a lot and it has been a really big part of her life?? How did I reach this level of just wanting to give up, not bother and just leave??

Maybe it has been coming. I dont know. I suppose I never allowed myself to feel anything besides pushing myself, each time I've been shut down to keep on going and let myself be heard or just continue doing all that I could. But why the feeling of giving up, the one thing I'd never thought would even cross my path overwhelmed me? How did I become so frustrated, fed up, tired, or even sad?

The most blessed part of this was God showed me that He blessed me with 2 great people in my life. My mum & dad!! After so long of supressing my deepest feelings unintentionally, they finally helped me to let all the stuff in me come out. They were understanding and helped me clear up all my confusions and frustrations.

I think that God is trying to tell me that I'm only human. I'm not a super being that can save everything and everyone although its what I want to do. Life isn't that way. I need to depend on Him and Him alone. He's the strong one. And I'm the weak one but He can empower me and work through me. So, I'm taking time off. I'm doing the things I didnt have the chance to do before. Spend my weekends hanging out with my friends...watching movies...and its fun!!

***DuST***

It just hit me watching this DVD published by NOOMA (dunno what it stands for) during MYF CG yesterday...The guy, Rob Bell...He used the context of Jesus walking on water to illustrate this simple yet amazing point which I think I've forgotten about and hit me right at my face.

He started with explaining how high a Rabbi was looked upon by the people in those days and that the best of the best of the best of all the students who memorised books of the old testament till Malachi were in line to be chosen as Rabbis....Memorising so many texts!! I know I can never ever do that!!
And then these students will look for the Rabbi they would like to take after and they would be tested by the Rabbi on the books they have memorised. According to Rob Bell, the Rabbi not only look at how well the student memorises the books but he also chooses his disciple based on whether the student could be like him.
Jesus was considered a Rabbi...He was a teacher and who did he choose to be his disciples?? Was it the best of the best of the best?? No!! It was fishermen...and not very good ones too...But Jesus chose them and believed that they would be like him someday...Can you believe that??

Coming back to the part of Jesus walking on water... when the disciples saw Jesus walking on water whom they thought at first was a ghost but then realised it was their Rabbi...Peter one of His disciples followed Him to walk on water towards Jesus. While he was walking a wind came and he got scared and started to sink!! And screamed for Jesus to help him and Jesus said "You man of little faith!! Why did you doubt??"

This was the part that hit me...I always thought Peter sank because he didnt have faith in Jesus. But Rob Bell explained it differently. Peter wasn't doubting Jesus coz he followed what Jesus did. Walking on water when all the other disciples didnt do so. He believed in Jesus. But when the wind came he sank because it was at that time he doubted NOT Jesus but HIMSELF!!

So the conclusion was...yes we need to have faith in Jesus and believe in Him but do we realise that Jesus already believed and trusted in us?? That we can do amazing things and be like Jesus?? To be perfect like Him??Disciples follow after the Rabbi and are usually covered in his dust. And so we are all Jesus' disciples...and He called us and believes in us...but do we believe in ourselves to be in Jesus' **DUST**??

HiGH or LoW...??

I think I've been in a low point for a while now but I just didnt realize. You know, the feeling of just living everyday like a block of wood...waiting for the world and everything or everyone in it to just pass you by. Or maybe like a robot...just doing all the routine stuff with no inner emotions towards anything. Maybe I'm in a dry spell....

Why am I at this point?? Why am I feeling this way?? Have I lost my passion or the fire within me?? Have I distant myself from God and that's why I'm feeling lost?? Or am I just simply worn out?? Can anyone give me an answer?? What's going on with me?? Is it stress?? I dont know!!!

Nothing seems to be going the way it always has been... it just doesn't feel right. I seem to feel lost everywhere including areas of my life which I had so much passion and love for. But now... I've given them up!! I don't even know if its the right decision. I let it go with a heavy heart.

Honestly, I'm not doing well with my studies either...always getting distracted by other things... my finals is in 2 months time and I have a whole lump of notes to cover including the current stuff I'm learning. Will I be prepared??

I know all that I've said depends a lot on myself...and maybe God is finally putting me through some hard time as a test. Maybe things will improve later on..
All I know is that I'm constantly reminding myself of God's promise that He'll always be there for me no matter what and all I have to do is ask from Him and I'll receive. Plus, I still have a supportive family and close friends that still encourage me in some ways although they don't realize it.

I guess the only thing I can do is live my life to the best I can and trust and wait on God to help me through my struggles.

A LiFe oF GRaTiTuDe...

When life gets hard...when we start to feel drained both physically and emotionally...when we reach a low point or a temporary gloomy period...we start to feel dissatisfied with our lives. We start to question why life's like that or we start looking for worldly things to satisfy ourselves.
Sometimes for no reason...we feel detached from everyone else. We feel sadness deep in our hearts all of a sudden. But all these emotions are not bcoz of one event. It has been pilling up inside us for some time and we're not aware of it.

However, its during these low points we need to have the heart of gratitude. I read an article which says when we're dissatisfied with our lives especially when it gets hard, we need to list down as many things we can be thankful for as possible. "A Life of Gratitude!!" And plus when I heard this song, "Indescribable" by Chris Tomlin... personally, my spirits were liven up...and I realised, Yea!! God Is Trully Amazing in Everyway!! Ways that seem so small, yet they're so great and beautiful. So, what low point is there when I have an Amazing God by my side??

From the highest of heights to the depths of the sea

Creation's revealing Your majesty

From the colors of fall to the fragrance of spring

Every creature unique in the song that it sings

All exclaiming

Indescribable, uncontainable,

You placed the stars in the sky

and You know them by name.

You are amazing God

All powerful, untamable,

Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim

You are amazing God

Indescribable, uncontainable,

You placed the stars in the sky

and You know them by name.

You are amazing God

Incomparable, unchangeable

You see the depths of my heart

and You love me the same

You are amazing God

You are amazing God

Who has told every lightning bolt where it should go

Or seen heavenly storehouses laden with snow

Who imagined the sun and gives source to its light

Yet conceals it to bring us the coolness of night

None can fathom