LEttiNG Go...=(

These thoughts keep popping up in my head...is my grandpa's fate sealed that way?? That he shall not find out bout his condition and hopefully live his life to the fullest with our help?? Is that how things should be??
My mum says that I should learn to let things I care a lot about go...coz I hold it too tight sometimes. Can I let him go when it comes?? How do I see him week after week and pretend like there isnt anything really wrong with him when his health deteriorates?? What do I say to him when he asks me why isnt he getting better??
Do we as the family members really have the right to decide for our loved one's life?? They're sending him for EUS (electro-ultrasonography) next week to do some further checking but looking at things....I dun seem to see a point in doing it.
Why bother investigating when ur not doing anything?? Do we really have such right??
I dun think I can accept what its being done and when the time comes for him to go...I dunno if I can let my grandpa go...But...for now, I'm just numb with everything despite the questions running through my mind.
**Its not like neither me nor my mum have any choice anyway**

A THoRN STicKinG into My HeaRT...

I just can't seem to accept this. The family has decided by majority that no surgery should be done for my grandpa and therefore he wont know his condition.
I've learnt that the cancer is at its initial stage and based on advises we've accumulated, a surgery would probably give him a better quality and there's a high chance for recovery.
But, after a family discussion...majority would not want a surgery to be done. Reason being that according to them, surgery isnt everything and that the aftercare would be hard on my grandpa and my aunties. My grandpa may not recover from the surgery or even his constant pain as he's already so weak.

Is it our choice to make?? It involves my grandpa's life!! Shouldn't he be given a say in all of this?? There's a chance that with surgery, they can remove the cancer and the pain his suffering should go away. I know that even if we tell him, we will not mention that he has cancer but that there's just something in his tummy which needs to be removed surgically.
There's still HOPE!! What are the odds that someone knows that he has cancer at an early stage?? Most ppl find out when its at an end stage. Shouldn't we be grasping this opportunity?? Isnt this a more logical decision rather than not doing anything and claiming that it would give my grandpa a better quality of life???

Its not like he's any better right now...I mean if we dun do anything his health is garaunteed to go downhill...Isnt that like putting a death sentence on someone??? I'm not puzzled...I'm not confused...I know clearly what both parties are considering.

But at the end of the day, what I'm trully feeling inside is sadness for my grandpa. If the decision made stays, I really dunno how I'll be able to accept everything or even face him. I'm scared of whats to come with his health. I cant imagine a better quality of life the rest of the family promised by doing nothing. How do move from there?? Is this decision really that logical??

BouNTiFuL BLeSSiNGs...

I shall testify in this post that God indeed doesn't just bless us with what we want or need but He blesses us with more than we ask or need. I shall never ever doubt Him no matter what coz He does answer prayers!!

3 months ago I was at a depressing point in my life...everything seemed to fall apart one by one. I got burnt out with serving in church, stressed out for final exam of phase I, found out grandpa had cancer...I felt just sooo very tired bout everything. It was so bad that I wanted to give up even before sitting for my exams. I thought things could never get better coz everything started to overwhelm me in everyway...physically, mentally and spiritually. All I did then was ask God, "Please show me Your lighted path laid for me to follow...show me a way out or a light through all these darkeness. Grant me the assurance that things will get better and not worse anymore."

And well...3 months have gone now...so very quickly and I still cant believe how fast time whoooshes pass...I'm graduating from 1st phase of med school this Sat. I had the time of my life with my friends with trips to Genting, Penang and the best...Redang Island!! Plus a chance to hang out with all my dear friends during this 1 month break.

Then my grandpa...although it was a scary time for my mum and her siblings, his hypoglycemic episode which actually made him comatosed somehow caused him to give up the sleeping tablets which we were all so concerned about coz he was addicted to it. Finally!! And after 2nd opinion with one of the top docs...surgery has a good prognosis and recovery should go well coz his cancer's at an early stage. There is Hope!! They were all blessings in disguise..although it hasnt been totally resolved yet. BUT...we have Hope!!

With all these blessings poured upon me and my family...how can I not start to heal spiritually?? I mean God is so Awesome!! So what if I was burnt out??He has blessed me with a great rest... helped me pass my toughest exam ever and gave my family and I hope that my grandpa can recover.

I now feel like the luckiest person ever...I just hope that now, I will have the strength and refreshed mind to face new challenges ahead at Seremban clinical school. All glory and praise goes to You...God Almighty!!

THe BeGGiNinG To An EnD...

Haaaaah....!!! Such a relief....I passed Sem 5!! I actually did complete Phase I of Med School... All that I've achieved...is a blessing from God. Every step of the way, from struggling through pre-u till entering med school and finally surviving phase I, God guided me through and all the successes I've had I could never have done without Him.

Despite dreading last month bout how things were going, God has started to answer my prayers. I do realise that not everything will go my way, but I do see Him turning things for the better.

My grandpa's case on a medical point of view is trully great news as his condition is only at an early stage so rightfully it should have good prognosis with surgery. But of course, everyone's still hesitant coz it would cause him to loose his quality of life. There are some other tiny options floating around but nothing is confirmed yet to be trully effective. I think the toughest part isn't on me but on my aunts and uncles coz they hav to deal with all his "rollercoaster" emotions. His tantrums....his joy...his frustrations and depression. Not an easy person to handle. Of course, in addition to all that...there's still many more stuff to consider like his kidney condition...so we're hoping for the best la and trying to make him as comfy as possible at the moment.

Thanks for all the concern and prayers...I trully appreciate it!!

Now, I have clinical school to look forward to and its gonna be a whole new world for me... So, Hope For The Best!!