BiTTeR...SWeeT

Every year we celebrate the day we gain another year older...
Can't believe it...I've just turned 22 and its another 1+ year I should graduate if all goes well.

It seemed like yesterday I felt like I was the luckiest person ever to be able to celebrate my 21st with the entire family...the people that have special places in my heart (Just love my big family). And it seemed like yesterday I was told that my grandpa who hadn't been feeling well made an effort to wear his best outfit to celebrate my 21st with me when he could have remained on his bed. Both my grandpas in fact celebrated with me...

Today...I never thought I would miss him so much. We had another birthday dinner together as a family again...but this time...I was missing my grandpa. The guy whom I visit every weekend no matter what. The guy who seemed cool and emotionless but has lots of love to give especially to his grandchildren. The guy who got himself out of bed and dressed his best just to celebrate my 21st birthday although he was always unwell and lying on the bed.

I couldn't help but be reminded of last year...his presence with each of us. I never thought I would miss him so much. My eyes became teary but I held it back. It is a happy occasion and I'm sure he's happy for me too. But I miss him dearly. Somehow there's still that empty space in my heart. I still haven't adapted to the fact that he's gone...and that my Saturdays would be free from traveling to his house to visit him.

Nevertheless...I'm glad my mum still organized the dinner with the entire family although my grandpa isn't around anymore. Its still a great feeling to have dinner with my uncles, aunts and cousins...to catch up with them like how we've always done every weekend with my grandpa.

Thank God I still have another grandpa staying with me although I still do miss this grandpa of mine dearly...But I had a great birthday!!

CooL FReNs aT iPoTs...BeSt CaMp YeT!! =)

iPoTs..OcT 2007

-VolunTeeRinG aT BeThaNY HoMe-

SeaSoN oF GooDBYeS...

It is so true when we talk about being touched by people around us...
We often get caught up with our work and studies causing us to take people placed by God around us for granted. This is understandable coz we live such busy lives with so many things to handle at once and hence, emotions and feelings are usually placed in the least priority.
I would be the first to admit that my life has been so. Although I try my very best to appreciate the people around me as much as I can, still it isnt enough.

This week I'm saying farewell 3 times to 4 beautiful individuals. Most of the time, I tend to forget or I didnt realise how much of an impact they have made on me.

The first was to say goodbye to a young beautiful girl...whom I recently found out had left this world due to an uncorrectable illness. I was assigned as part of my med course to follow up on her in every aspect of her life with a colleague. We got to know her and her family and we were amazed by her carefreeness, innocence and joy. Her simple view of what the world was like unknowingly touched my heart. I honestly could not believe the sudden news of her death bcoz I'd never thought she would have to go so quickly and suddenly. She has touched me in ways I cant describe but she would be someone I would remember for a long time.

The second was a goodbye to a dear lecturer whose dedication, love and commitment to the CF of our uni had touched many hearts including mine. Although I've really known him for about 6 months but his knowledge both in medicine and Christian living...about God really inspired me to be a better person than what or who I already am. His gentleness and humility yet someone with so much wisdom in 2 wide areas...is something I admire a lot. And its sad to let such a person go...

Last goodbye this week would be 2 dear friends whom I remember touched my heart on one of my birthday. No one has done such a sweet thing for me!! They actually bought and sent me a bouquet of flowers and a gift right to my doorstep. Ever since then, we got closer and they've been such inspiration and encouragers in my life. Such sincere friendship I never tought I would have in my entire life. I love them dearly like my brother and sister and I would definitely miss them a lot!!

In life...changes takes place and surprises pops up once in a while. It forces us lazy people to move out of our comfort zones and wakes us up from being too lenient in our daily living. Although it can be tough and painful sometimes, I believe each event or goodbyes that we say to the people we love and hold close to our hearts...has a lesson or reason behind. But the explanation may not be seen clearly immediately...we need patience and faith in God.

All I can say is I wish the very best and all the goodness in the world to these people...We'll meet someday...somewhere!! God Bless!!

BeiNG aT a PLaTeAu PHaSe??

We always say life's like a rollercoaster filled with ups and downs. But sometimes, life also becomes stagnant....it reaches a plateau phase and thats where I think I'm at right now....
Maybe it has been going on for sometime and I didnt realise it...

Being at a point where things are just going at a plateau pattern can be quite frustrating and takes patience to overcome. I really don't know if its God's way of training me or its just me making my life such a dull one. At such a stage I cant help but feel like I've lost my passion or sense of direction. Its not that I dont know my end goal...coz I do know! But, just am feeling lost while journeying through this path...no excitement, nothing much to look forward to...

I mean people around me seemed to have so many happenings going on around them...and when they share wat they've been going through it all sounds to exciting and interesting. Cant help to start wonder how come my life is all of a sudden so dull??

I suppose the only thing that would help is TIME....let this phase pass...and patiently wait after God to show me the next level in my journey in life...who knows?? All I can say is that I have unmeasurable thanks to God who blessed me with such a smoot and good life so far...and it beats all doubts definitely!!

WhaT HaVe I DoNe???

I've always thought making friends was easy as long as there's understanding, openess, tolerance and of course FUN!! But I guess things dont always go the way I would like it to be or life cant just be up and up and up all the time...so does relationships, sad to say.

So, what more bout living with others??? There's definitely wrong at my part for being impatient, judgemental and close minded at times...and I'd hope that things would go my way. I'm trying really hard not to be like that...but I still feel like I've been getting the cold shoulder or I've offended someone unexpectedly in some way.

Well, I would definitely apologise to that person if I've done anything wrong...and that its definitely not intentional in anyway. Not knowing what I did wrong...cant blame me if I'm still stepping on your toes.

Maybe I'm overly sensitive...I really don't know. Its just hard to feel that way especially when you're living under the same roof. I guess not everyone will like me and I'm me....and we're all different so disagreements happen I guess.

Just hate the feeling of not knowing what I did wrong that's all. To me, even if I didnt do anything wrong, I'm guilty coz I've made the person dislike me I guess...Anyway cant please everyone...so, life goes on and on my part, I'm learning each day to be a better person and a better doctor. Guess, cant put all the blame on myself and maybe its ok to be disliked sometimes!! Who knows!!

Surgery....I'm Done....!!

Clinical School life have been moving so quickly I can't believe surgical posting's over and the toughest posting in sem 6...Internel Medicine...starts next week!!

I have to admit that switching from Family Med posting to Surgery was tough and it took some time for me to adapt with such busy schedules. It was pretty overwhelming at the beggining but thank God things soon got better with friends and helpful lecturers around.

The clinic and hospital environment are definitely 2 very different settings altogether. And to those people who still think that surgeons are just tailors or technicians and all they know is cutting open their patients...I can tell u for sure that you're very wrong!!

Here are some of the things I've experienced during my 7 week surgical posting:

1. I forgot most of my basic sciences from phase I and had to struggle to answer questions from lecturers "????"
2. Going to wards at night is super tiring!! Miss Family Med!!
3. Mamak-ing....Watching movies....Lepak-ing....FUN!!
4. We're not treating gallbladders or liver or lumps...we're treating people!! Patients!!
5. Good place for a quick nap before TBLs or CSUs....Student Lounge!!
6. PD Hospital is such a nice place....
7. Standing in OT for 3 hours....haih...Leg Pain d!!
8. Describing lumps..ulcers...swellings...Lipoma??Cyst??Attached to skin??Mobile??Arrgh!!
9. PD Hospital's OT is like a freezer...Super COLD!! Bcome ICE d...
10. Q:"Whats the difference between small gut and large gut??"... A:"Small gut is..SMALL; Large gut is...BIG!!"
11. Q:"What do you see on an X-ray??" A:"BLACK and WHITE!!"....reply,"You will survive!!"
12. Road trip to PD Hospital on my greenie car....a.k.a..."MiniBUS!!"
13. Simple surgical procedures can make a whole lot of change to a patient's well being
14. Surgeons do spend more time consulting patients than cutting them open.
15. Nature is the best healer and doctors just witness the events take place while collecting money.
16. Grilled by lecturers during case presentations until end of posting exam till no more sweat left....PHEW!!

Yes..I am relieved to have finished exams finally...but surgical posting turned out to be so much better than I thought it would be. I've learnt a lot from every surgeon whether the hospital staff or IMU lecturers...especially during case presentations although yea...leg also aching...back also painful...kena kutuk....but....these are the things that made it all interesting!!

Sad to say..its goodbye to surgery for now...and its back to square one with adapting to a new posting...Looking forward to this one though...Hopefully I'm right!!

CHaNGe...INeVitaBLe???

Change..either we look forward to it with open arms...or we are caught off guard causing turmoil in our lives.

Church life has been such a big part of my life as far as I can remember...and being active in ministry I grew a lot and got inspired a lot by many people I've come across with. Church life is so important that not going on any Sunday would seem really strange the rest of the week. And I enjoy the fellowship with both youths and adults I've known for many years.

Lately, I seem to be unable to accept the changes I see in the church. I've tried to keep an open mind to every explanation given both by church leaders and ministry leaders and placed hope in the promises made by them. But each time, I seem to be dissapointed and now I'm just lost.

Giving up being part of ministry for more than 6 months...church life seem to be even more distant. Its just so sad to be feeling this way when I thought church life is something that would never ever die at any point of my life. Coz it has made me who I am today. I grew up in this environment.

Why am I feeling lost or getting dissapointed so much?? Is it really wrong to have expectations for myself?? Expectations that I'd be growing and learning from church and ministry leaders?? Is God pushing me away from the ministry I've been in all this while?? How do I keep an open mind to change that I am only able to see negative outcomes?? Should I just let that happen?? Just give up?? Not bother??

Somehow...I have all the answers to those questions already. But I guess, I've not learnt to accept a lot of it yet. But I do know that there's a lot more laid ahead by God for me and my journey in life has barely begun. I just really hope that God would show me a new area of ministry soon which I can be passionate about again so that I wont feel so lost.

I guess..most importantly is seeking God's will in every change or decision made and to trust that any change that comes my way God is in control of it. I hope that I can find the objectiveness and total trust soon and release all the dissapointments and worries to Him. Time will tell and time will heal...

Surgical Week...An encounter I wont forget

I know I haven't been posting up anything lately...thats bcoz life's been really busy at Seremban

I never thought that I would have so little time in a day....so little that I even could not find time to shop for groceries at the beggining of the week. But well...I made it through alive a hectic week.

Although yea..it was pretty stressful and tiring coz we're expected to be on our toes with all our cases and medical knowledge when presenting to the doctor...I learnt a lot this week. Things that can never be found in books or quantified in any form of value.

Its so easy as medical students to want to get the best cases or the best patients to clerk and examine and learn from. To fight for opportunities in wards or wherever to do certain procedures under a doctor's supervision. To elicit positive signs on interesting patients. And I have to admit I was one of them. Time and time again during ward teachings, we were reminded to look beyond a disease or a clinical sign. But to look into people's hearts, emotions and reactions towards the disease and put ourselves in their shoes. Empathy....

But I encountered a lady...who had cancer, but she doesn't know it. I had to clerk her coz I was assigned that particular bed and I did. I got frustrated at the beggining coz I wasnt able to get a good history from her and she kept changing the topic. She got discharged soon enough and I thought...oh well, guess she's gone and I dont have to bother about her case anymore. After all the history I took from her wasnt complete.

The following week, she was admitted again. And I didnt want to clerk her again coz I know I failed to do a good job previously. But out of boredom at the wards, I chatted with her a bit and found out she was discharged just to do a scan outside. I asked my friend to clerk her and see if he could get a better history...and at that time she was more open to talking to us than before. Of course, she still changed the subject a lot.

As the week went on, we chatted with her until finally one day, I overheard that the surgeon was going to tell her that it was confirmed that she had cancer. I dont know if she was told to have cancer literally, but she knew there was a growth in her. And when we approached her after that, she shared with me her sadness and confusion.

I'd never thought that I would have such an encounter so fast, since I just started surgical. But yea...it taught me to be more humane and compassionate. I realised I was so caught up academically, I forgot why I wanted to be a doctor in the first place. It was an early wake up call I guess. So I took the opportunity to pray for her with my friend as she was a Christian. She was so thankful to us...but I think I was more thankful for her appearing in my life making me realise how selfish I've been.

I hope and pray the very best for her health and her family as they go through this bumpy road. But I believe no matter what God will bring her through. That I know for sure.